Gabbin' With Gau!
by Question the Majority
Summary: Join Gau and Cait Sith as they host their own talk show, interviewing the heroes and villains of Final Fantasy and havoc ensues. [Rated T for language and adult humor. Don't blame me! It's my friend's fault!]
1. Episode 1 - Terra and Hojo

**Disclaimer: **I am in no way connected to SquareEnix and I do not own any of their characters. But man, if only I could get a cut of their royalties... On another note, this series of stories was initially co-written by my friend Brad Stone and, later, co-written by my brother, Seth Garner. --Matt

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-A drumroll starts up as spotlights hit a big red curtain like at the beginning of the old Johnny Carson show-

Nasal Bronx Accent (think Gilbert Gottfried meets Curley meets aaahhh... you get the idea...): An' now, direct from ShinRa TV Studio B12, it's "Gabbin' Wit' Gau!" Da' only late-nite talk show what lets ya' get up close an' poisonal wit' da' stars o' yer favorite video games an' whatnot! An' now, here's yer host... GAUUUUUUUUUU!

Gau: -Runs on-stage, shouting his trademark battle-cry. He is dressed in a dark red houserobe that's a little too big for him- GA-UUUUUUUUU!

-The audience, full of SquareSoft characters, cheers wildly-

Sephiroth: BOOOO! -He is instantly pummelled by various rotten vegetables, then he looks up from the pile of veggies and fruits with an orange over one eye, a tomato over the other, and a banana in his mouth, creating a looney grimace-

-We now see the main set of the talk show. It's your typical scene: big desk (covered with papers, coffee mugs, etc.) in the middle of the room with a big couch to the left of the screen. On the right of the screen sits all the band equipment. Large windows all around overlook the unique world of Final Fantasy and the cliché curtains and drapes hang everywhere-

Cait Sith: -Sitting on Gau's desk, speaking through his megaphone- Hiya, folks! It's me: Cait Sith! ya' Co-host! An' o' course, over at da' keyboards we got my ol' buddy MoogleMuffins! -The nasal voice from the beginning very obviously belongs to Cait Sith-

-Jump cut to the giant moogle doll at the keyboards. He waves his arm lethargically-

MoogleMuffins: Moogle play all requests... except "Freebird"...

Sephiroth: Oh yeah? Then why don't you play "This Show Sucks"? BWAHAHAHA! -He is once again bombarded with rotten vegetation-

Cait Sith: -After having lobbed a rotten kupo-nut at Sephiroth- So, Gau! Feel's great ta' have our own television show ta' twist da' minds of da' populace wit', eh?

Gau: -Sitting down behind his desk- Yeah yeah... Gau just hope tonight's guest round enough! -Grins deviously to the audience as they all go "Ohhhh!" as if he just said something really funny that he shouldn't have said-

Cait Sith: -Looks at a sheet of paper, flipping his tail about- Hmm... Well we gots Terra Bradford an' Professa' Hojo slated fer tonight... Izzat "round" enough for ya', kiddo?

MoogleMuffins: -Very slow, deep voice- Moogle sensing lowbrow humor on horizon...

Gau: YAY! Morphy-Jugs and Forehead Man!

Cait Sith: I'll take dat as a yes! H'okay, folks! Sit tight an' we'll be right back wit' our guests after a woid from our sponsors! -Smiles and waves to the camera as the commercial starts-

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-The infamous ShinRa ad begins... you know: Creepy music, black screen and ShinRa logo with Japanese lettering-

Voice: ShinRa inc... we own you...

-Violent crashing, slashing, etc. sounds are heard-

Voice: What the hell--? AUUGGHHH!

Cloud's Voice: Die, ShinRa scum!

-Horrendous screams of agony, slashing... you get the idea. Suddenly, an image pops up on the screen of chibi-Kefka and chibi-Kuja grinning shyly and holding a broken film reel with the caption "Technical Difficulties. Please Stand By..." Cait Sith reappears in front of the camera after a few moments, staring nervously-

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Cait Sith: -Double-blink- Uh... We're back! ; -Rubs the back of his head. MoogleMuffins and Gau stare blankly for a second or two-

MoogleMuffins: O o;

Gau: o O;

Cait Sith: -Clears his throat and regains his adorably obnoxious voice- Okay! Well Gau, you know our foist guest betta' dan I do, so why don' you introduce 'er to the people?

Gau: -Hops on top of his desk- HI EVERYBODY! Next guest is Gau's friend! She morph into shiny lady with big jugs, so Gau like! It's... MORPHY-JUGS!

Audience: ... -All stare at Gau for a moment. Crickets are heard chirping-

-MoogleMuffins smacks his forehead-

Cait Sith: Er... It's TERRA! -Grins shyly at the audience and tilts his crown-

Child in the Audience: Mommy, what's a "jugs"?

Mother: SHHH!

Cait Sith: -Puts his megaphone up to his mouth again and yells at MoogleMuffins- MOOGIE! Cue the music!

-MoogleMuffins starts playing his keyboard as a young lady with aqua-colored hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing a red-and-purple armor... thing walks in-

Terra: -Looks around in wonder at everything... like she ALWAYS does (I tell ya... sweet character, really lovable and all... but she's SO vacant!)- OOOH! Nice place!

Cait Sith: -Removes his crown and gives Terra a little bow- Welcome to da' show, Terra!

Terra: Awww! How sweet! -She grabs Cait Sith and sits down, hugging him tight- Hey Gau! Why didn't you tell me you had a cute little talking kitty-cat doll? -Cait Sith squirms around, trying to escape the young woman's grip-

Gau: ... -Blink- Gau ask the questions here! -Hops back in his seat- See? Gau the one with desk!

Terra: Oh... sorry... -Blinks as Cait Sith leaps out of her arms and perches on top of MoogleMuffins' head-

Cait Sith: So ask 'er sumthin, whydoncha?

Gau: OKAY! Morphy-Jugs turn shiny for Gau?

Terra: Oh! You mean my Morph ability? Sure! -Transforms into an esper with pure white skin, pale pink hair, and reddish eyes, blinding everyone in the audience in the process-

Bartz: AAAGH!

Selphie: ARGH!

Yang: MY EYES! What did you do to my eyes?

Cait Sith: -Whistles low with MoogleMuffins- Hey now DERE'S a talent! All I can do is make bogus predictions for da' future! I'm like a plush Miss Cleo! Call me now fo' ya' free readin'!

MoogleMuffins: Don't you have to be Jamaican?

Cait Sith: I don' see why. Da' real Miss Cleo sure ain't!

-Drum rimshot heard (You know, that bah-dum-ching! sound...)even though MoogleMuffins doesn't play it-

Gau: -Not paying any attention, just staring dreamily at Terra's chest- Oooohhh... Jugs... so... shiny!

Terra: Hmm? -Tilts her head blankly-

Kid From Before: Mommy... why isn't dat lady wearing her clothes no more?

Mother: Well, I never! -Carries her son out of the studio-

Steiner: -Gasp- Good Lord! She's nude! -Covers his eyes and blushes-

Irvine: WOOHOO! -Someone throws a rock that clocks him in the head-

Terra: ... -Blinkblink- What's their problem?

Cait Sith: -Shrugs and tilts his head- Beats me. You'd t'ink Final Fantasy people would be used ta' seein' glowin' naked chicks by now...

-MoogleMuffins plays a rimshot and Gau continues to gape at Terra's "jugs"-

Terra: Gau? Gau sweety? -Snaps her fingers in front of his face-

Cait Sith: -Flicks his tail about and bats his paw in Gau's direction- Eh, neva'mind him. So, Terra, tell us a little about yerself! Where ya' grew up an' all dat!

Terra: Well... -Taps her chin thoughtfully- Let'see... I vaguely remember being a young child, living in the Realm of the Espers... until... something... happened and... -Grabs her head- ARRRGH! THE PAIN! MEMORIES FADING! -She falls to the ground, writhing in agony while Cait Sith, MoogleMuffins, and Gau just sit there-

Cait Sith: Fascinatin'...

Gau: -Leans over the desk, trying to see Terra- ... could Morphy-Jugs please stand up so Gau get better view?

Terra: -Twitch, twitch- ... X

-MoogleMuffins lumbers over, helps Terra back onto the couch, and splashes some water on her face-

Terra: ; Thanks, 'Muffins... I needed that!

-MoogleMuffins smiles, nods, and returns to his band equipment-

Cait Sith: -Makes a note to ask more guests about their pasts if it will result in such a cool spazz attack- So, Terra... about how long can ya' stay in dat Esper form anyway?

Gau: no change back... -Drool-

Terra: Well, I've been practicing to stay in this form longer, but sometimes you can never tell... -Suddenly turns back to normal, still wearing nothing- O O; EEP! -Covers herself quickly-

Sephiroth: ... Okay, okay... The show's a little more interesting... -Gets pelted again-

Terra: -Turns into an Esper again- Sorry... -Cough- That happens sometimes...

Cait Sith: -Sly grin to the audience- How's DAT fer attractin' da fans?

Gau: ... right... So! Might Gau say your jugs are ESPECIALLY shiny today?

Terra: -Too ditzy to even be offended by such a comment- Awww, you're such a sweetie, Gau! -Pinches his cheek-

Gau: Aw shucks...

-Suddenly, a horribly mangled, bloodied man wearing a blue suit and tie runs quickly accross the stage-

MoogleMuffins: -Blinks at the guy- You okay, Steve?

-Cloud, Tifa, and Barret dash across the stage after "Steve," swinging their various weapons and cursing loudly-

Cait Sith: -Hops onto the floor, fur sticking out everywhere, and shakes his fists in the air angrily- WHOA! HEY! GUYS! Cut it out! We're tryin' ta film here!

Barret: Wha? Hey, cat! Are we on TV?

Cait Sith: -Sigh- - -; Yes, Barret...

Barret: -Runs to the camera- OOH! HEY DERE, MARLENE! If you're watchin' right now, I wanna' remind you to stay in school, drink yo' milk, eat all yo' greens, don't do drugs, an' get plenty o' sleep, okay?

Cait Sith: BARRET!

Barret: Oh right, right! -Runs back after the ShinRa guy- I PITY YOU, FOO! I'M GONNA' THROW YOU HELLUVA FAR!

Terra: -Watches as the three AVALANCHE members tear through the studio- Um... should... we be concerned about that?

MoogleMuffins: -Shrugs- It draws ratings...

Cait Sith: And we're all about 'da money! -Gets clobbered by MoogleMuffins- er... and pleasin' da audience and stuff... - - -Rubs his head-

Gau: -Nods- Uh huh... pleasin' audience... so Morphy-Jugs busy tonight?

Cait Sith: -Looks at his non-existant watch- Yoiks! Looks like it's time fer anotha' commercial break, but we'll be right back wit' Prof. Hojo after dis...

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-Scene of a calm, serene river-

Voice: Rufus T. ShinRa understands your concerns for a healthier environment...

-Kids playing-

Voice: Rufus T. ShinRa understands the need for safe neighborhoods...

-Rufus appears in front of the camera-

Voice: He just doesn't give a damn...

Rufus: Hello, I am Rufus T. ShinRa of the Shi-- -Hears something and turns around- What the hell is that? -Sees a giant glaring eye in the window- OH MY GO-- -Gets blown away by Ultima Weapon-

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-Scene returns to Cait Sith as explosions and screams are heard-

Cait Sith: ... o O um... yeah... uh, don't worry, folks! Despite whatcha' just seen, everyt'ing here at da studio is just fine... Er... so now fer our next guest... one o' da most brilliant minds o' the ShinRa organization and THE most-despised human being on the face of the planet... Professor Hojo!

-Everyone boos except for Sephiroth-

Sephiroth: WOOHOO! YEAH! ALRIGHT, DAD!

-A team of moogles, black mages, and midget cowboys jump Sephiroth and subdue him. Cheezy action movie music plays during all of this-

Sephiroth: -Being dragged away- NO! NO! You can't silence me! Soylent Green is people! Soylent Green is people! THE TRUTH WILL BE REVEALLLLLED...

-Hojo, the disturbingly greenish gangly professor with thin black hair and an enormous bulbous forehead limps on stage, dragging his leg like he always does. Oddly enough, he sounds like Tim Curry...-

Hojo: -Obviously sarcastic- Thank you... really... it's such an honor to be here...

Cait Sith: -Mumbling a little- Wouldja' lookit dat head?

MoogleMuffins: What about it?

Cait Sith: Looks like it's about ta' hit critical mass!

Terra: Ick! Nobody told me there'd be any zombies on the show tonight!

Gau: SO! Forehead Man! How you today?

Hojo: -Glares evilly at Gau- Horrendously wretched as I am every day of my tormented life...

Gau: Okie good

Cait Sith: Well, we're glad ta' see you too, Sunshine!

-Hojo snarls-

Gau: So, Forehead Man, what you think of show?

Hojo: If you have to know, Gau, I find this program to be intellectually draining. The only reason I'm appearing on this insipid show is to boost the public's respect for the ShinRa scientific divison--

-Hojo suddenly gets clonked on the head by an empty potion bottle-

Aeris: YOU SUCK, HOJO! DROP DEAD YOU DISEASED OLD SCAB!

Cait Sith: -Giggles and shakes his head- Dat's our Aeris! What are we gonna' do wit' you, girl?

Brad: -Dashes on stage- Hold on a second here guys...

Terra: -Blinkblink- What?

Hojo: -Rubbing his immense forehead-

Brad: It says here in this Strategy Guide that ShinRa's destruction via Ultima Weapon came way after Aeris' death, and we just saw that...

Gau: She zombie

Cait Sith: She's 'da undead!

Brad: -Looks up at Aeris as her arm falls off- I see...

Hojo: -Adjusts his glasses- You are also failing to take into account that the various worlds of Final Fantasy all exist on different planes and in different time periods so all of this should technically be impossible... -Huff- ...idiot

Terra: Yeah, what the forehead said!

Brad: ... Hey, I'm writin' this fanfiction, so I can control what happens to you...

MoogleMuffins: -Looks out the studio window and mumbles a little- Hmm... heads up...

-Everyone turns to look at MoogleMuffins...-

Brad: What is it? I'm making death threats!

Zidane: -Runs into the studio, screaming- RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! BAHAMUT, THE LORD OF THE DRAGONS IS ON A RAMPAGE AGAIN AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR THIS STUDIO!

All: ... -Blinkblink- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!

-Bahamut tears through everything, leaving a pile of ashes and rubble within seconds, but somehow the stage area is still somewhat okay-

Gau: ... -Cough-

Brad: Hey, this studio didn't come free! You'd better pay for this! ... hey, where are you going? -Chases Bahamut- COME BACK HERRRRRE!

Cait Sith: T'anks fer watchin' "Gabbin' wit' Gau"... tune in next week when we interview dat cat-guy from Final Fantasy X... and my dad, Reeve... -Passes out-

Terra: -Blinkblink- Well, that didn't go too well...

Hojo: -Stares at Terra- Hmm... Tell me, young lady... Have you ever been interested in the scientific field? -Nasty grin displaying all his gross yellow teeth-

MoogleMuffins: - -; -Sighs and slaps a sign on the screen that says "The Everlovin' End"-

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Kefka: -VERY fey voice- Well, darlingth... that'th all for today! Stay tuned for the nextht epithode of "Gabbin' With Gau"... -Shakes his fist violently as his eyes glow red and he screams with at least 3 deep, horrifying voices- OR I'LL CALL UPON THE FORCES OF HELL ITSELF TO SEND YOUR PATHETIC SOUL TO AN ETERNITY OF BURNING DEATH, RIGHT AFTER I'VE SINGLE-HANDEDLY RIPPED YOUR STILL-BEATING HEART FROM YOUR RIB-CAGE! -Smiles like a little sissy and tilts his head to one side- Kay?


	2. Episode 2 - Kimahri and Reeve

-=Today's episode begins with the same opening as Episode 1 because Brad and I are highly unoriginal=-  
  
Cait Sith: It's time once again fer Gabbin' wit' Gau! Da' only talk show dat trades yer teeth fer money as ya' sleep! An' now widdout furder ado... HEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRE'S GAU!  
  
-=Gau hops out and hollers "GAUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!" with the audience=-  
  
Gau: -=waves to everyone, then clasps his hands together, beaming happily=- Gau want to thank all those who watch his show and keep it running for 'nother season!  
  
Cait Sith: -=scratching behind his right ear=- Yeh! Heaven knows we really needed a lotta' ratings ta make up fer destroyin' da set on our pilot episode!  
  
Sephiroth: -=rubs his hands and cackles evilly=- We shall see about that, my furry little friend... heh heh... -=everybody stares at him=- ... I should probably stop speaking my mind outloud... -=gets smashed by fruit=-  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=holding a bucket of fruit as Cait Sith tosses it at Sephiroth=- Nice shot, Cait...  
  
Cait Sith: Yeh, t'anks dere, buddy -=proud smile=-  
  
Gau: -=hops into his desk chair and spins around in circles=- Soooo... what guests we have tonight, KittyMan? -=hopeful smile=- Gau hoping we have nice lady-guests wit big jugs!  
  
MoogleMuffins: Nope... Tonight we got Reeve an' Kimahri...  
  
Cait Sith: Yep. Skinny nerdy guy wit' a bad goatee an' a big buff cat guy... -=suddenly glares at the audience with a very evil glow in his eyes=- An' dis ain't no cat yaoi eitha', so back off ya' perverts!!! -=grins adorably again=-  
  
Gau: -=drinking some water, then does a spit-take=- What? No pretty ladies? -=bangs his fist on the desk and looks accusingly at MoogleMuffins=- This last time Gau let Big Marshmallow book guests!  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=folds his arms and huffs=- Moogle do his best and this the thanks he gets?  
  
Cait Sith: ... am I 'da only guy on 'dis show that ain't speakin' in the thoid person?  
  
Sephiroth: No! I'm speaking in the first person AND my grammar is perfectly correct, unlike yours, you filthy, flea-bitten stuffed doll... -=Lucca from Chrono Trigger clocks Sephiroth with that little mallet of hers=-  
  
Cait Sith: ... -=blink=- Whateva'... anyway, here's our foist guest. He's big, he's bad, he's blue... -=puts his megaphone up to his mouth and squeals loudly=- Kimmmmaaaaahriiiiii!!! ^_^  
  
-=various female audience members squeal as Kimahri walks in. He is a blue cat-like creature with a broken horn on his forehead, VERY muscular and tall, and dresses in only a few belt-strap things and a loin-cloth... Queen Brahne faints=-  
  
Kimahri: -=stands next to his chair, arms folded=- Kimahri happy to be here...  
  
Cait Sith: -=blinks at Kimahri=- ... him too?  
  
Gau: -=big friendly smile=- Gau happy to have Kimahri here! -=shifts his eyes and mumbles under his breath=- But Gau be happier if Kimahri were woman with big, bouncy, veluptuous--  
  
MoogleMuffins: O_O -=quickly interrupts Gau, speaking very loudly and nervously=- AHEM! KIMAHRI TALK ABOUT SELF!!!  
  
Kimahri: Kimahri is Ronso from Sacred Mountain Gagazet...  
  
Gau: Gagazet... sound like candy bar!  
  
Cait Sith: Uh... yeh... So, what's wit' da' broken horn on yer head, big fellah? Dja' lose a fight wit' a lawnmower or sumthin?  
  
Kimahri: ... Kimahri challenge rivals, Biran and Yenke, to fight when Kimahri young. I no admit defeat, so Biran angry, break Kimahri's horn. That why Kimahri left Gagazat... too much shame.  
  
Cait Sith: -=suddenly pulls out a chalkboard and desperately tries to diagram the sentences=- THE GRAMMAR! THE HORRIBLE GRAMMAR! -=grabs his head with both paws and screams pathetically=-  
  
Gau: KittyMan, Big Marshmallow, and Kimahri all wear no pants! Explain lack of trousers to Gau!  
  
Freya: -=from the audience=- He's just fine without 'em! -=whistles=-  
  
Fratley: Freya! I thought what we had was SPECIALLLLL!!! -=runs out crying like a baby=-  
  
Kimahri: -=blink=- Ancient tribe rule say Kimahri must wear tribal uniform, which not include "trousers"...  
  
-=long pause, crickets chirp=-  
  
Kimahri: ... plus, rub fur wrong way.  
  
Gau: Hmm... Gau wonder... pantlessness more comfortable than wearing pants?  
  
Cait Sith: O O; NO! -=tail puffed out in fear=-  
  
MoogleMuffins: Don't even THINK about it!  
  
Gau: ... -=raises an eyebrow=- Gau just wondering. Gau not making any life decisions here!  
  
Kimahri: -=sweatdrop=- No pants only good for demihumans...  
  
Cait Sith: And people wit' nothin' ta cover!  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=poses proudly with Cait Sith=- Freeeee and easy!  
  
Cait Sith: -=shakes his fist in the air=- RIGHT ON!  
  
Gau: Kimahri look very strong! Kimahri have any secrets to make KittyMan look buff too? -=points to Cait Sith, who stares blankly (somewhat wall-eyed) with his tongue hanging out=-  
  
Kimahri: -=snicker=- Cait Sith too PUNY to ever look like Kimahri!  
  
Cait Sith: HEY! What was dat, punk? You know, I may be little, but I can crawl ya!  
  
Kimahri: ... Come and get me...  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=grabs Cait Sith by the shoulders=- Cait! Count to 10! Breathe deep!  
  
Cait Sith: Nobody mocks Cait Sith an' gets away with it! -=breaks free of MoogleMuffins' grip, leaps at Kimahri, doing the Xena yell=- YIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIYIIIIII!!!! -=the camera freezes and a commercial starts just before Cait Sith grabs him=-  
  
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-=the screen shows a picture of Pokémon's Misty=-   
  
Voice: -=slightly deep with a light English accent=- Tired of being flat?  
  
Misty: HEY!!!  
  
Voice: Want to look like THIS? -=shows EVERY other animé girl in existance=-  
  
Misty: GRRRR!!!  
  
Voice: You should try new Roquét Enhancement Cream! German scientists all over Japan worked diligently to create this product, then went bowling...  
  
-=James, Jessie, and Meowth appear, all in very very bad scientists get-ups=-  
  
Meowth: -=obviously reading from a cue card=- Dis program really, really woiks... oh yes...  
  
James: -=same=- Yes, why I used to be a mere A cup but look at me now... -=Meowth and Jessie stare in shock at him. James blushes and looks at them=- ... oh wait, that's Jessie's line isn't it?  
  
Jessie: -=sigh=- But dont' take our word for it... listen to our satisfied customers...  
  
Marlene from FF7: -=5 times as large as Misty=- It worked for me!  
  
Misty: -=cries=-  
  
Celine Jules: I used to be just a common "plain-jane" if you will, darlings... but look at me now! ^_~ I think you can see the effects for yourselves...  
  
Tifa: -=struggling to stand up, then falls over and shakes her fist into the air=- CURSE YOU, ROQUéT ADVERTISING AGENCY!!! CURSE YOUUUUUUUUUU!!!  
----------------------  
  
-=commercial break ends as Cait Sith is seen leaping at Kimahri=-  
  
Kimahri: ... -=pokes Cait Sith with his fingernail and watches him collapse=-  
  
Cait Sith: Hey! Ya didn't hafta fight doity!  
  
Kimahri: -=sighs=- You are not strong enough, small kitty doll. Kimahri can beat you with small pointy stick.  
  
Cait Sith: Oh yeh? Well jus' you wait 'till I get some spinach, big boy! Den I'll beat the snot outta' you! -=MoogleMuffins grabs Cait Sith. Cait then sounds like the Cowardly Lion=- Lemme at 'im, lemme at 'immmmmmmm!!!  
  
Sephiroth: C'mon Blue-Boy! Tear that stupid little doll apart! Let's see some stuffing!!!  
  
Gau: -=grins excitedly=- GAU BEAT BIG KITTY! -=leaps on Kimahri, pounding at him. Sephiroth laughs like a lunatic (which he is!)=-  
  
Kimahri: ... -=blinkblink=- Little boy not attack Kimahri... Kimahri don't hit children  
  
Gau: Gau not child! Gau MAN!!  
  
Sephiroth: ... -=bursts out laughing=- BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! OH THAT'S RICH!  
  
MoogleMuffins: ... Gau only 13...  
  
Cait Sith: Yeah, Gau, I hardly t'ink dat counts fer an adult  
  
Gau: Fine... 'den Gau is TEENAGER!  
  
Kimahri: -=sighs, picks Gau up (kicking and screaming), and places him back in his desk=- ... Kimahri can go now, yes?  
  
Cait Sith: Yeah, sure... -=rolls his eyes=-  
  
Sephiroth: -=throws a tomato at Gau, but misses and hits Kimahri with it=- o o; whoops...  
  
Kimahri: -=glares at Sephiroth=- Woman-haired man attack Kimahri! -=yoinks out his spear and leaps at Sephiroth=-  
  
Sephiroth: O O; -=hops up on one leg, holds his arms up, squeals like a little girl, and runs out of the studio; pursued by Kimahri while the Benny Hill theme plays=-  
  
Gau: KITTY BEAT DOWN SEPHY!! SMACK-DOWN! OH YEAH!  
  
Cait Sith: -=sighs and shakes his head=- Well anyway... our next guest is a very close-friend o' me and MoogleMuffins. Ladies an' Germs, it's da pure-hearted, upstandin' member o' ShinRa Inc. wit' a really bad goatee... My dad...  
  
MoogleMuffins: an' mine!  
  
Cait Sith: REEEEEEEEEVE! ^_^  
  
Reeve: -=walks out in his usual midnight blue suit and, of course, with his dark goatee, as everyone claps=- Actually, I DO have a first name, Cait Sith... it's...  
  
Cait Sith: Take a seat, pop!  
  
Gau: -=staring thoughtfully at Reeve=- ... howcome Mr. Goatee look nothing like Kittyman and Big Marshmallow if he their dad?  
  
Reeve: -=sweatdrop=- The term "dad" isn't very appropriate... I'm his "creator"...  
  
Cait Sith: -=stands up and holds his hands into the air triumphantly=- I'm alive, I tell you! ALIVE!!  
  
Reeve: Yyyeah, see, I found them in a gift shop during a visit to Gold Saucer and I figured they'd offer a great way for me to help Cloud and his friends save the world...  
  
MoogleMuffins: ...and spy on 'em...  
  
Reeve: ... -=darts his eyes around, then grins very nervously=- let's not mention that on public televison, okay? So anyway, using my knowledge of technology and a little bit of magic, I brought them to life...  
  
Cait Sith: -=weeps=- I was alive from da begginin'! Look, I even gotta heart! -=opens a small spot on his chest, revealing gears and bolts=- ALIVE I SAY!!  
  
Reeve: -=rubs his forehead=- Cait, please...  
  
Gau: So Mr. Goatee work with toys, huh? ^_^ Mr. Goatee bring fun toys for Gau?  
  
Reeve: ... -=looks over at Cait Sith and shrugs=- Cait Sith is a toy...  
  
Cait Sith: -=goes into mental breakdown=- MY OWN FATHER DENIES MY EXISTANCE!! -=hops in Reeve's lap and grabs his collar, shaking him around a bit=- I'm a real cat, Daddy! A REAL CAT!!! -=cries=-  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=shakes his head=- Pinocchio Syndrome...  
  
Reeve: -=shakes his head=- You're a doll, Cait...  
  
Cait Sith: -=hops down on the floor=- Dat's it! I'll prove it to you! I'll prove to you all dat I'm a REAL CAT! BWAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! -=everyone blinks as Cait Sith runs out of the room=-  
  
Reeve: What the--?  
  
Gau: ...  
  
Sephiroth: We saw the gears in your chest, you stupid dumb cat!!  
  
Kimahri: THERE you are, womanly man!! -=chases after him again=-  
  
Sephiroth: MEEP! -=flees=-  
  
Setzer: -=runs in, quite angry=- HEY GAU! Your stupid cat friend just ran into my airship, puked all over the carpet, and tore the furniture to ribbons! What are you going to do about it?  
  
Cait Sith: -=returns and stands triumphantly=- HAHA! I have proved my true cat-ness!  
  
Setzer: COME HERE YOU LITTLE---  
  
Cait Sith: YOIKS! -=runs off, followed by Setzer as the Benny Hill theme starts anew=-  
  
Gau: Oh boy! ^_^ TAG! -=hops up and hits Reeve=- You're it! -=runs off with them=-  
  
Kimahri: -=blinks at the scene=- ... Kimahri must prove catness too! -=runs towards yet another of the many Final Fantasy airships=-  
  
Reeve: -=sighs and shakes his head again=- Is it always like this, MoogleMuffins?  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=sigh=- yep.  
  
-=everything suddenly goes black and we see Cid Highwind, who's been watching this all on TV=-   
  
Cid: What a load of sh-- what the? -=Kimahri leaps into his airship and begins clawing at the drapes=- GET OUTTA' HERE, YA DAMN @#&*# CAT!!  
  
End of Episode 2 


	3. Episode 3 - Seymour

-=drumroll, curtains, and spotlight as always=-  
  
Cait Sith: It's time fer Gabbin' Wit' Gau! Da' only talk show what lets ya' transcend da' nightmarish restraints of da' space-time continuum! -=appears on screen=- I'm Cait Sith! Cuddly cat doll extraordinaire, and dis is my companion an' band-leada', -=points to...=- MoogleMuffins! -=MoogleMuffins smiles and waves=- An' now, here's ya' host: A Grammar teacha's woist nightmare: GAUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!  
  
Gau: -=limps out using crutches=- Gau sorry he late... Gau twist his ankle while hunting for dinner...  
  
MoogleMuffins: How Gau break ankle when he so tough?  
  
Cait Sith: Yeh, I t'ought you could take any kinda' damage wit'out getting seriously hoit...  
  
Gau: Gau thinks Kittyman and Big Marshmallow should mind own business!  
  
Cait Sith: ... -=looks sneakily at MoogleMuffins=- I betcha he did it on purpose...  
  
MoogleMuffins: ... -=nods=- Mm-hmm...  
  
Gau: -=rolls his eyes=- Why Gau do this on purpose?  
  
MoogleMuffins: To get attention...  
  
Cait Sith: Frum goils!  
  
Gau: -=surrounded by VERY sexy girls=- ... Gau not know what you talking about!  
  
Voice: Excuse me, but when am I supposed to come on to the show...?   
  
-=Everyone turns to look at a mysterious-looking, muscular man with long blue hair in a very peculiar style, an odd-looking blue, red, and green robe, deep purple eyes, and fine thin pale blue lines networked across his face=-  
  
Seymour: -=waves=- Hello there! ^_^  
  
Cait Sith: ... -=looks grumpy=- What? You're here now?  
  
Gau: Who dis guy? -=looks at MoogleMuffins and points at Seymour with his thumb=- Marshmallow book this guy?  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=nods rather matter-of-factly=- Yup...  
  
Cait Sith: Who IS he?  
  
MoogleMuffins: Seymour Guado... he like the Pope... only not 3000 years old...  
  
Seymour: ^_^ Is everybody feeling fine today?  
  
Gau: Gau feeling fine! -=cranky=- Except for excruciating pain in ankle...  
  
Cait Sith: -=blinks at Seymour and shivers=- Gah... he looks like what you get if you mix Kefka and Sephiroth...  
  
Sephiroth: ARE YOU MAD? That guy doesn't look HALF as good as me! And what's that comment about me and Kefka?  
  
Kefka: -=grins at Sephiroth and bats his eyelashes=- Hey there, lover...  
  
Sephiroth: ... get out of my face before I stab you through the stomach and rip you apart right here in the audience...  
  
Kefka: -=takes a deep, sensual breath=- Mmmm! Don't teasthe me! ^_~ -=Sephiroth turns greenish and gags=-  
  
Seymour: -=gets a frustrated, worn look on his face=- Please do not compare me to them, for my role and devotion to my religion is very influential upon others, and if they thought I acted like that, what kind of example would I pose?  
  
Cait Sith: So yer a big-time religious figure, huh? Hmmm... -=grins nastily=- you ever said a doity woid?  
  
Seymour: -=aghast=- Certainly not!  
  
Gau: Mr. Forehead-Veins ever looked at naked ladies?  
  
Seymour: Never since leaving my mother's womb have I laid eyes upon an innappropriate image. -=smiles, though it's obvious he's a little annoyed by such questions=- Now, may we please continue on, good citizens?  
  
MoogleMuffins: Sure... -=shrug=-  
  
Gau: -=leans over and props his chin up with one hand=- ... So... what you DO anyway? -=pushes a pencil around on his desk=-  
  
Seymour: ... I am a Maester of Yevon. I instill hope within the people, and battle the dark forces which plague our planet...  
  
Gau: -=looks down at his ankle and rubs it a little as Seymour talks=- Gau think he losing feeling in leg...  
  
Seymour: ... I am also a summoner and practicioner of Black and White Magics...  
  
MoogleMuffins: Moogle get ice pack... -=walks off=-  
  
Seymour: Furthermore, I-- Excuse me, but are you listening?  
  
Cait Sith: -=blinks at him=- What? Yer still here?  
  
Seymour: -=quite annoyed=- I request your fullest attention, please...  
  
Cait Sith: -=puts his hands on his hips and flips his tail around=- OH! So now the Almighty Pope o' Yevon needs our attention! -=snaps his fingers and bobs his head a little like people always do on Jerry Springer=- Who died an' made YOU God?  
  
Gau: ... Gau's ankle swelling... -=poke poke=- looks bad...  
  
Seymour: ... [Insolent little maggots!] I am not a pope, simply a Maester... Maester Mika is higher than me.  
  
Gau: If he "higher" than you, what kind drugs he uses? -=snicker=-  
  
Cait Sith: Oh so it's DAT kinda' religion...  
  
Seymour: ... higher in RANK!  
  
Gau: oh okay... -=looks back at his foot=-  
  
Seymour: -=clenching his fist=- Would you please just be quiet and listen...?!  
  
Cait Sith: Sure. Go ahead an' talk. See if I care... -=stares blankly at Seymour like cats always do=-  
  
Seymour: Thank you... anywa-- Would you stop that?  
  
Cait Sith: ... [... I wonda' if I left da' lights on at home...]  
  
Seymour: -=raises an eyebrow=- ... Do you have a problem?!  
  
Cait Sith: -=blink=- HUH? Wha? Did you say something?  
  
Seymour: -=twitch=- No... I'll just continue...  
  
Gau: If Veiny-Head can use White Magic, den use a cure on Gau's foot!  
  
Seymour: ... My name is not VEINY-HEAD, good sir, and it is disrespectful not to call me "Maester Seymour"...  
  
Gau: -=long pause=- ... Gau like Veiny-Head better...  
  
Seymour: And I'd prefer to call you "Insignificant Weed Who Needs To Die", but I'm showing respect and calling you "Sir Gau"!!  
  
Gau: ^_^ VEINY-HEAD TALK LIKE MISTER 'THOU'! THOU THOU THOU THOU GRRK! -=grabs his ankle=- OW OW OW!  
  
Cait Sith: -=points at Seymour as he appears increasingly angry=- Hey Gau! Check it out! Now he's got even more veins poppin' out!  
  
Gau: Ew! Veiny-Head look like living road-map!  
  
Cyan: I dost not talketh like so, Sir Gau! That is an insulteth to my personal honoreth!!  
  
Cait Sith: ^_^ 'EY CYAN! How's tricks?  
  
Cyan: Fineth! Thanketh thou, Sir Cait!  
  
Seymour: You're all insane! I can't stand this anymore!! PREPARE TO FEEL THE COLD, ICY FREEZE OF QUEEN SHIVA!!  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=saunters in, looking quite defeated as Shiva bursts in. Cyan takes one look at Shiva, gets wide-eyed, then runs off, saying "YOINK!"=- Moogle look everywhere, but not find ice. Sorry, Ga-- -=blinks at Shiva=- Moogle come at bad time?  
  
Shiva: You shall all die a painful, freezing death, for Maester Seymour commands me to destroy y-- -=sees the Camera=- OOOH!! Are we on TV?! ^_^ -=poses and sparkles a bit=-  
  
Gau: OOOOOOOOOOOOOH! @_@ ICY-JUGS! -=drools heavily=-  
  
Seymour: ... -=sighs and goes to find Yuna to get himself sent=-  
  
MoogleMuffins: Ooooh... Shiva, Esper of Ice! Moogle feel honored to be in presence! -=bows politely=-  
  
Cait Sith: ^_^ Hi dere, Shiva! Welcome ta' da show! I'm Cait Sith, dat's MoogleMuffins, and da' kid wit' da bum leg is Gau...  
  
Shiva: -=giggles quite airily=- Why thank you! ^_^ Am I being interviewed?  
  
Gau: @_@ ...  
  
Cait Sith: ^_^ Sure are!  
  
Shiva: -=looks at Gau and gets a sweatdrop=- Are you staring at my...?  
  
Gau: ... Yes. And Gau have question already...  
  
Shiva: ... Yes...?  
  
Gau: Why Gau see no perky nipples on Shiva, even though she cold all over?  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=very shocked=- BAD GAU! O O; -=slaps him harshly, knocking him over=-  
  
Gau: ARGH! -=thud=-  
  
Shiva: ... well... uh... I suppose... O_o;  
  
-=Cait Sith mumbles as he sees a "TV-14" get slapped on the screen=-  
  
Shiva: -=regains posture=- ... it's because my whole body has adapted to this body temperature, so it'd take about -1,200 degrees Celcius cold to make that... little... effect...  
  
Gau: -=muffled from behind his desk=- Gau prefer nice perky juggies!  
  
Shiva: -=coughs and blushes=- That's not a very nice question to ask a lady, little Gau!  
  
Cait Sith: -=licks his paw and rubs his ear=- eh, don't mind 'im, Shiva... He's 13, so... well y'know...  
  
Gau: -=climbs back on his chair=- Okay... Gau sorry... -=looks down in shame=-  
  
Gau: OOH! Gau's foot big an' purple now! ^_^ GAU A SHAPE-SHIFTER!  
  
-=MoogleMuffins looks at Gau's foot and feels very sick=-  
  
Shiva: ... do you need an ice pack or... some surgery or something? O_o;  
  
MoogleMuffins: -=looks paler than usual=- Probably so...  
  
Gau: ^_^ WHEE! Big foot!  
  
Cait Sith: ^_^ Hey! Why don'cha cast a li'l ice-spell for us, Shiva? It'd help Gau out and I'm sure da' viewa's at home would love ta' see it!  
  
Shiva: -=casts a little Blizzard spell on Gau's foot=- There you go ^_^  
  
Sephiroth: Oh yeah! Blizzard. It's not as if 95% of the Final Fantasy population can't do that...  
  
Shiva: HMPH! Not impressed, psycho-boy?   
  
Sephiroth: Not in the least, ya' frigid tart!  
  
Shiva: -=glare=- Then how's THIS for ice?? -=casts Diamond Dust on Sephiroth=-  
  
Sephiroth: O o; oh shi-- -=gets encased in a solid block of ice and EVERYONE applauds=-  
  
Shiva: -=giggles and bows=- Thank you, thank you!  
  
Gau: ^_^ -=hops around=- Gau's foot cured! IS MIRACLE! -=hops on his desk as we suddenly hear the "Hallelujah Chorus," then he hops over and hugs Shiva=- Thank you Miss Icy-Jugs!  
  
Cait Sith: -=smiles and wipes a tear from his eye=- Dis is da' best Christmas ever!  
  
MoogleMuffins: Goodnight... and may God bless! ^_^ -=everyone waves at once=-  
  
All: Haha! Goodnight, everybody! ^_^  
  
-=screen goes blank and a remote control is thrown at it, destroying the TV set=-  
  
Sephiroth: -=glaring evilly at his TV, whilst floating around in a weird purple haze=- Oh yes... laugh now... Laugh, FOOLS! For soon, you will know the true power of the Cetra! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  
  
Jenova: Destroying the TV will do little to change what the Public sees, my son...  
  
Sephiroth: Oh, but how little you know of my insidious plan, Mother... -=rubs his hands evilly=- How little you know...  
  
Jenova: ...Plus, everything has it's revenge... -=the TV floats in the air and flies straight into Sephiroth's head=-  
  
Jenova: ... -=snicker=- I didn't do it... -=bursts out laughing=-  
  
-=everything irises out on Sephiroth as it plays really wacky Looney Tunes ending music=-  
  
Sephiroth: -=pulls the iris open and moans pathetically=- Please, can't I leave with just a LITTLE dignity? -=it closes again=- END... 


	4. Episode 4 - Tifa and Quina

-the scene opens in the commissary before the show actually starts. Cait Sith is drinking from a beer bottle with "Black Hole Brew" written on it. MoogleMuffins is drinking from a bottle... of liquid soap and being quite noisy with the whole ordeal-

Cait Sith: Man, now dat's some mighty fine brewski! -MoogleMuffins lets fly with a tremendous squeaker. Cait Sith has no reaction whatsoever to this- So ah, Moogie, who we got fer da' guest tonight dere?

MoogleMuffins: -a few bubbles pop out of his mouth as he speaks- Well... Moogle got Tifa an' Qui-- -an infuriated Cait Sith interrupts-

Cait Sith: WHAT? TIFA? MOOGIE, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? DO YOU KNOW DA' CONSEQUENCES OF WHAT YOU'VE JUST DONE?

MoogleMuffins: -long pause- ... no...

Cait Sith: -leaps up to MoogleMuffins and grabs his shoulder- Moogie, ol' buddy, ol' pal... You rememba' Tifa, donchoo?

MoogleMuffins: ... -nods slowly- Uh huh... That's why... Moogle got her... -blinks distantly-

Cait Sith: Ah yes, good. Good... Now... Do you rememba'... Tifa's most distinguishable physical asset?

MoogleMuffins: ... -looks at Cait Sith and raises a confused eyebrow- Her hair?

Cait Sith: -slaps his forehead loudly, then turns his head and grins pathetically to the audience- It's gonna' be a lonnnnnnng night! -hops back up and grabs MoogleMuffins' face, staring maniacally into his beady little black eyes, like a DOLL'S EYES... (which they are)- T'ink, MoogleMuffins! For once in yo' life, THINK! -starts shaking MoogleMuffins' head- Think with your dead brain that don't work no more because it's DEAD! WHAT is the FIRST t'ing most people notice about Tifa when dey see her?

MoogleMuffins: -stares blankly, somewhat bored as the camera very slowly zooms in on him. The background fades to a dark red swirl and dramatic music swells up as his eyes widen very slowly and his ears tilt down- ... OOP!

Cait Sith: "OOP!" is right, my mentally-challenged comrade!

MoogleMuffins: We gotta' get someone else fast!

Cait Sith: No, sweet MoogleMuffins! You'd t'ink it would be dat easy, but dere's just no #$ing time!

MoogleMuffins: -quivers and sticks out his bottom lip- Why!

Cait Sith: -wraps an arm around MoogleMuffins' non-existant neck and looks around in a paranoid fashion- Because... he's... coming...

MoogleMuffins: -with a sense of awe- ... who?

-instantly, the commissary door is slammed open and knocked off it's hinges. A dark shadow is seen in the doorway as a deep, demonic voice echoes...-

Gau: WHO TONIGHT'S GUEST?

Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

MoogleMuffins: Is a surprise... -sweatdrop-

Cait Sith: -looks at the camera- Oh! It's a surprise alright! Surprise for da' CENSORS!

-the show actually starts now-

Cait Sith: -sounding absolutely terrified- I ca-I just can't do it tonight! I won't be responsible for dis bomb! -grabs MoogleMuffins and stares into his eyes- MOOGLEMUFFINS! Youuu'lll take the heat fo' dis! -happy voice- Now if ya' don' mind me, I'll be hidin' in da' sofa! -he then leaps into the sofa cushions as MoogleMuffins coughs nervously and grabs the microphone-

MoogleMuffins: -suddenly sounds like Ed McMahon- Tonight on Gabbin' with Gau: Tifa Lockheart and Quina Quen! And now, everyone's favorite wild boy: Heerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrre's Gau! A-HAH! HAHAHA! HOH HOH HOH! HAR HAR HAW HAW HAW! -cough- AHYUCK HYUCK! -falls over, crying and grabbing his head- FOR THE LOVE OF GARLAND, MAKE THE VOICES STOP!

Gau: -hops on top of his desk and grins at MoogleMuffins- Dat good voice, Big Marshmallow!

MoogleMuffins: -talking normally again- Thanks. Moogle been practicing his impersonations...

Gau: -looks around- Now where KittyMan?

Cait Sith: -muffled in the cushions- Hoohoo! Wouldn't YOU like to know?

MoogleMuffins: ...on vacation...

Cait Sith: -muffled- I ain't goin' back dere...

Gau: -taps his fingers on his desk a few times- ... so, time for guest now?

MoogleMuffins: -starts breathing heavily and looking around as the camera closes up on him. The background goes black with purple flames all around and frightening voices begin singing in an unknown tongue. MoogleMuffins reaches up and touches a scar on his cheek that wasn't there before and will never be there again. Suddenly, without warning, Tellah from Final Fantasy IV appears in a split second shrieking "YOU SPOONY BARD!" MoogleMuffins then puts his paw down, bites his bottom lip, and looks at Gau...- Okay

Gau: -pretending to swim while lying on his desk- An' who izzit?

MoogleMuffins: Um... it nice bar-lady Moogle met on his adventure to save the world... and stuff...

Cait Sith: -very quiet- Da moment of truth is now...

MoogleMuffins: Tifa Lockheart!

-the cliché "BUM-BUM-BUMMMMMM!" is heard as Tifa walks in... to quote Bleys Maynard's Frigging Fantasy VII parody: "She's got black hair, really short shorts, a tanktop, and, oh yes, her breasts are the same size as her head!" Gau instantly stops everything he's doing, then looks right at the camera and grins very slowly and goes cross-eyed, eventually looking like Willy Trombone from the NeverhoOd-

Gau: HA-CHA-CHA-CHA!

Tifa: ... what?

Gau: JUGGIES!

Tifa: -raises an eyebrow and suddenly looks incredibly evil- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

MoogleMuffins: -rubs the back of his head nervously- Why don't Tifa have a seat?

Gau: OH YES! We just get new talking sofa!

Tifa: -wonders what Gau means, shrugs, and sits down. As soon as she sits down, Cait Sith's head pops up between two of the cushions-

Cait Sith: AAAAAAAAAAAAH! I-duh... OH! -looks around and smiles very fakey- OH YOU'RE HERE! -tilts his head a little and grins at Tifa- What's newwwww?

Tifa: Not much, Cait, but what are you doing in the sofa?

Cait Sith: D'oh! Um... -looks around- I was... LOOKING for LOOSE CHANGE! Yes! Cuz... y'know, dat's what cats do, dey look for... shiny t'ings... like loose change... in da sofa... cuz dey're cats... an' dats what dey do... an' I am onna dem... cuz I'm a cat...

Sephiroth's Voice: -highly sarcastic- Oh wow... now THAT's convincing...

Gau: -blink- Gau thought KittyMan on vacation...

Cait Sith: OH! BUT I AM! ... on vacation in... da sofa? CLAM DIVING! -puts on a pair of diver's goggles and a snorkel- Yep! I'm clam-divin', alright! An' now if you DON' MIND... I am going back down... into da' sofa... -sinks down, breathing deeply-

Cait Sith: -pops back up a few seconds later and glares at Tifa- AN' STOP SITTIN' ON MY TAIL!

Tifa: That was odd... Usually he only looks for loose change in recliners... -MoogleMuffins plays a rimshot-

Gau: -leans back in his chair and puts his feet on his desk- So tell Gau: How Tifa get such big jugs?

Tifa: WHAT?

Gau: ... I mean what you currently doing? ;

Tifa: ... right. Well, after defeating Sephiroth's plan for world domination... -Sephiroth is heard "booing" and Tifa pulls a gun out of nowhere and fires it into the audience without even looking where she's shooting. Sephiroth then goes "ACK!" and falls over with a thud- ...Cloud and I got married and now we're trying to turn the Seventh Heaven bar into more of a bed-and-breakfast sort of place...

Gau: -leaning forward with his chin in his hand, smiling and rolling his eyes like Bill Cosby does, but not really paying any attention AT ALL- ... Those real?

Tifa: -blink- Huh? -MoogleMuffins looks away and mutters to himself- Yeah, bed-and-breakfasts are real. They're kind of like hotels...

Gau: No. Not dat. Dose...

Tifa: What?

Gau: BAZOOMBAS!

Steiner: -gasps and stutters- N-NO! That's OBSCENE!

Tifa: -glares at Gau- ... I really don't like it when people ask me that, Gau...

Gau: ... yeah, so?

Tifa: MoogleMuffins, I thought you said I wouldn't be insulted or harrassed on this show...

MoogleMuffins: -sobbing- Moogle sorry, Tifa! -buries his face in his hands and bawls like a baby- SO VERY SORRYYYYYY!

Gau: ... So? Answer da' question. Tifa always had mammoth jugs or are dey fake?

Tifa: ... Gau, I'm warning you. Back OFF!

Gau: -narrows his eyes- Dey sure don't look-- O O EEP! -squeaks as Tifa instantly leaps at him. The camera then shows MoogleMuffins cringing in sheer terror with his left eye twitching as the most gruesome, horrifying sounds of inhuman violence are heard-

Cait Sith: -rises once again from the sofa cushions, dripping wet and carrying a bucket of clams. Yes, real clams, ladies and gentlemen!- So ah, izzit safe ta' come out now or... -looks to Tifa and Gau and his eyes bug out as a loud snapping of bones is heard and a large chunk of the desk comes flying past his head- OH MY LORD! I'M GETTIN' OUTTA' HERE! PROTECT ME, CLAMS! -dives back into the sofa-

MoogleMuffins: You not leaving Moogle alone out here! -leaps at the sofa, trying to climb into the cushions. Obviously, he's too big to do so. Eventually, he starts flapping his wings rapidly and he starts floating up- HEY! I can fly!

Cait Sith: -pokes his head out- He can fly!

Tifa: -looks around in mid-punch- He can fly?

Gau: -points up and grins, now with two black eyes, a bloody nose, and half of his teeth missing- He can fly!

-voices are heard singing "He can fly, he can fly, he can fly..."-

Sephiroth: Oh this is so stupid... -spontaneously combusts-

Steiner: -walks in front of the camera and sounds exactly like John Cleese- Alright, now stop that! Stop that! Stop that GAWKING! Until these RUFFIANS can learn some PROPER manners, you must all watch commercials! NOW STOP THAT WHINING! THIS IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!

-  
Voice: Do you suffer from urinary tract infection?  
-----------------

Steiner: Oh now that's appalling! Here now, try this...

-  
Voice: Do you suffer from genital warts or Herpes?  
-----------------

Steiner: OH NO! Right! Let's try this again!

-  
Cheezy Claymation Sandwich Cookies: AH'M SQUEEEEZED IN THE MIDDLE... SMACK-DAB IN THE MIDDLE.  
-----------------

Steiner: GOOD LORD! Who writes this crap? Fine, then, back to your filth if that's what you want, cretins! As for me, I shall be watching QUALITY programming! -huffs off to watch Jerry Springer... hmm...-

Gau: -sitting at his desk, looking terribly unhealthy-

MoogleMuffins: -folds his arms- Has Gau learned his lesson now?

Gau: What lesson? Gau upset that Tifa gone! He not even get to ask all his questions!

Cait Sith: -sitting on MoogleMuffins' head again- Well you can save 'em all fer our next guest: Quina Quen!

Gau: -pouting- Is it woman?

Cait Sith: -puts up his finger and opens his mouth to say something- ... ah... hmm... -looks away-

MoogleMuffins: Don't know...

-then, thunderously loud footsteps are heard as a grotesquely, yet adorably fat white... THING with a chef's hat and apron and long pink sweater... and a 1-foot long tongue... or at least, that's how much of it we can see hanging out of it's eternally smiling mouth... waddles into the room, stares unblinking at everyone, then plops onto the sofa... breaking it instantly-

Quina: Cheap sofas! -hops up and down, flailing its arms- Not make them like they used to!

Gau: -still completely abused and will stay this way through the whole episode... staring incredulously at Quina- ... you man or woman? O o

Quina: Thank you for asking! Master Quan once said "True way of being gourmand is ability to using imagination!"

Gau: ... -blinks-

MoogleMuffins: What exactly is gourmand?

Quina: -continues to stare eternally, at Cait Sith- QUINA PROMISED FROG IF APPEAR ON SHOW! WHERE FROG? GIVE TO QUINA!

Cait Sith: Hahah! Heh... heh... don' look at me dat way...

Gau: ... so... man or woman?

Quina: That very good question! Quina also Blue Mage!

Cait Sith: Stop... STARIN' at me...

MoogleMuffins: That mean Quina can learn enemies' magic?

Quina: Quina also 45!

Cait Sith: Blink! BLINK, DAMN YOU! FOR DA LUVVA GOD, BLINK!

Gau: -very angry now- MAN OR WOMAN? ANSWER GAU!

Quina: Is funny story! Once Quina having to stop Quale from making evil cult called "QQQ"!

Cait Sith: -staring evilly back at Quina- Put dat tongue... BACK in ya' mouth where it belongs... an' STOP... STARIN' AT MEEEEEEE!

Quina: -stares even more intently at Cait Sith and wisely says...- I do what I want! You have problem?

-Cait Sith goes insane and leaps at Quina, grabbing its tongue and yanking fiercely on it-

Cait Sith: GIMME DAT TONGUE! I'M GONNA' PUT IT BACK WHERE IT BELONGS! WHERE DID YOU FIND IT ANYWAY?

Quina: -reaches up and grabs Cait Sith, talking very evilly- You make FINE quisine!

Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! SWEET MOOGLEMUFFINS, HELP ME! COME TO MY AID, DEAR FRIEND!

MoogleMuffins: -gasps, then jumps up in slow-motion, pushing his keyboard out of the way- Nnnnnoooooooooo...

-we see Sephiroth, who blinks, then gasps as the keyboard hits him (in normal speed) and knocks him over. It goes back to slow-mo as MoogleMuffins leaps at Quina, knocking it over. The giant fork Quina holds is knocked out of Quina's hands and it is majestically hurled at Sephiroth. Suddenly, everything is at normal speed again and it jabs down into him. We hear him make an "AWRK!" noise and his Masamune flies upward, spirals, and lands point-down, into him. He then is heard shrieking in agony for quite a while...-

Sepiroth: AGH! ARRRGH! Ohhhh why? Owie...

Gau: -looks over his desk at Cait Sith, MoogleMuffins, and Quina, all out cold. Then he looks at the screen, shrugs, and waves as the camera irises out. There is dead silence for a few seconds, then...-

Sephiroth: ACK!

End of Episode 4

Steiner: HARUMPH! 


End file.
